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[Shelby Lad]

In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[Garstang]

I was in Sainsbury's the other day pushing my trolly around when I collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[Garstang]

An Arab Sheikh's son  goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:
"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school
with my gold Mercedes when all my teatchers
travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad
with a million dollar cheque saying:
"Stop embarassing us any longer,
go and get yourself a train too"

[68fb]

Address tae a fart

(Was sent to me by my wife for some reason   )       

       
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie

        Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie

        As ye sit doon amongst yer kin

        There sterts tae stir an enormous win'

         

        The neeps an' tatties an' mushy peas

        Stert workin' like  a gentle breeze

        But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face

        Will have ye blawin' a' ower the place.

         

        Nae matter whit the hell ye dae

        A'body's gonnae hae tae pay

        Even if ye try tae stifle

        It's like a bullet oot o' a

         rifle

         

        Haud yer bum tight tae the chair

        Tae try an' stop the leakin' air

        Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek

        Pray tae God it disnae reek.

         

        But aw yer efforts gan

         asunder

        Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder

        Ricochets aroon' the room

        Michty me! A sonic boom

         

        God Almichty, it fairly reeks!

        Hope I huvnae s**t ma breeks!

        Tae the bog ah'd better scurry,

        Ach, whit the hell, it's no ma worry.

         

        A'body roon aboot me chokin'

        Yin or twa were nearly boakin'

        I'll feel better for a while

        Cannae help but raise a smile.

         

        Wis him! I shout with accusin' glower,

        Alas! Too late! He's just keeled ower

        Ye dirty bugger, they shout and stare

        A didnae feel welcome ony mair

         

        Where e'r ye be let yer wind gan free

        Sounds like just the job

         for me

        Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party

        Ower the sake o' one wee farty.

 

[Mustang-Boss-302]

A guy is driving around
the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in

front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking

Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,

he says 'So, what's your story?'

 The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all
they had me jetting from country to country,sitting in rooms with spies

and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies,and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

Ten dollars,' the guy says.

Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar.

He never did any of that shit.

 

[dbdee]

Just in case you don't stay up and watch the Letterman show...
>
>
>
>                     DAVID LETTERMAN MAY BE IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!!!!
>                     Now, THIS is funny.
>
>
>
>                     David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll
bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and
the Rev... Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!
>
>                     David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black
>                      NASCAR drivers:
>
>                     # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
>
>                     # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
>
>                     # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
>
>                     # 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants
>                            at the same time.
>
>                     # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
>
>                     # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
>
>                     # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
>
>                     # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
>
>                     # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
>
>                     AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
>                      NASCAR.......
>
>
>
>                     # 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.


Dave..........

[68fb]

Disorder in Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, which represents answers people gave in court, as taken down by
court recorders and published.
 
 
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
> that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you s3xually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
>
> at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
> _______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
> next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> _______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shi88ing me?
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
>
> 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can Iget a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ___________________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> _____________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performedon dead people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> fight.
> _______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
>
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
>
> when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> and practicing law.

[dbdee]

Good one ,Paul..............!


Dave   

[dbdee]

Very funny !


Dave   

   

[Garstang]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Davy watched his
Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
In a passionate embrace.

Little Davy found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his  mother.
  'Mummy, I was at the playground   
and

I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt.  Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
Pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Davy, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
Tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Davy
To tell his story.  Davy started his story,  'I was at the
Playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane.  I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.  Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mummy fainted!
 

[candy69]

A guy stuck  his head into a barbershop and  asked,
'How long  before I can get a  haircut?

 
   The barber  looked around the shop full of customers and  said, 'About 2 hours.  '
The guy  left and a few days  later, the same guy stuck his head in the door  and asked ,  How long  before I can get a  haircut?'
 
 
   The barber  looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3  hours.'  The guy  left.
   A week later,  the same guy stuck his head in the shop and  asked, 'How long before I can get a  haircut?

 
   The barber  looked around the shop and  said,
'About an  hour and a half .'
 The guy  left.

 
   The barber  turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob,  do me a favour.
 Follow that  guy and see where he  goes.
He keeps  asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,  but then he doesn't ever come  back.'
 

  A little  while later, Bob returned to the shop,  laughing hysterically.
   The barber  asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he  leaves?'
 
    Bob looked up, wiped  the tears from his eyes and  said,
   'Your  house!

[Mustang-Boss-302]

OHH SH1T

[Dag A]

Here is what you do on an airplane when the person besides you is fuc*** enoying!
1 Take up your laptop.
1 Open it slowly.
3 Start it up.
4 See to that the neighbor is watching you.
5 Open your browser.
6 Close your eyes and rise your head against the sky.
7 Take a deep breath, be sure that you are watched and open this address http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8 Now watch the reaction carefully............

[Mustang-Boss-302]

Here is what you ndo on an airplane when the person besides you is fuc*** enoying!
1 Take up your laptop.
1 Open it slowly.
3 Start it up.
4 See to that the neighbour is watching you.
5 Open your browser.
6 Close your eyes and rise your head against the sky.
7 Take a deep breath, be sure that you are watched and open this address http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8 Now watch the reaction carefully............

FANTASTIC THAT IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

[Garstang]

Shiite.  My ribs have gone into spasm from laughing so much.

[68fb]

Always wear clean underwear in public - especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have it break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he atempted to fix it.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
 
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.

Feeling relieved, and regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
 
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

 

[68fb]

The Brothel Parrot.....                  



A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00....

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,


'Hi Keith’

[Mustang-Boss-302]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

[Mustang-Boss-302]

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around

How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

[Mustang-Boss-302]

TRUE news story. NOT a joke. Maybe.
     A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
     In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
     But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.